Off-Kilter

I used to think I had the perfect life. Honestly, when I was younger, I'd be like, "This, all of this. It's enviable." I had the perfect family, tons of friends, I knew what I wanted in life. Everything was just perfect. I mean of course there were bad days, or days where I'd walk out of my house with my head so high, the perfect outfit on, walking around confidently, knowing I was looking good, only to trip and stumble or run out of gas a half a mile from school, for everyone to see, including my ex-boyfriend, (who didn't stop). Those were the days that I thought evened out everything that was right in my life.

Now it seems I can only have one thing good going on in my life at a time, and I constantly wait for that to implode, as they so often do. I feel like I'm in a bad place in my life currently. Like I need to make major life changes.

When I was younger, I did everything for everyone. I was the doormat that people stepped on. I took hits for people, and did embarrasingly, belittling tasks to remain a part of the "cool group". I realized I was trying so hard to make everyone else happy, I wasn't making myself happy. As it goes, I got tired of being the selfless whipping board I was convinced I was. I made a conscious desicion to be more selfish. Silly, I know. I trained myself to be selfish, which would be good for someone like me, but I did it all wrong. I didn't do it to make myself happy. I still couldn't focus on that. Instead, I got to a place where I had a hard time being happy for people who had good things going on in their life, that I didn't have. I should have focused on being a doormat no longer, instead I became this strange self-involved person who talked all about themselves and lost interest in other peoples' lives. And the worst part? Somehow, I still felt like a doormat. I could talk about myself for hours, but how other's were making me feel, not so much. I did it all wrong.

Today, I'm too selfish for my own good. I sometimes forget to ask people how their day was, and mean it. It becomes like this courtesy thing for me, and while they tell me, my mind is off thinking about what I have to do that day or the jacket at J Crew that I want and can't afford. I find myself hogging all the phone time with friends, going on and on about how I'm so tired from my day and going off about how I need a raise. I hate it. I don't know why I do it, or why I can't seem to stop doing it. And I'll catch myself doing it, but not stop. I try to make that effort, but it never works, and I end up making strange segways and apologizing for being side-tracked when they ask me a question about what they've just said, and I haven't heard a word of it because I'm thinking about how I need to be listening. But I feel like I'm losing people in my life, slowly, because of it. It becomes a sad thing when I can't grasp the concept of friendship anymore.

And I have a hard time confiding in my friends, or anyone for that matter. Me and four of my closest friends were playing truth or dare the other day, (yes we are grown women who have jobs and make salaries and still play truth or dare), and I kept deflecting the "truth" portion of the game. That bothered me. I couldn't even stand to be asked a question that may force me to confide in my closest friends. What I don't have any trouble with, is filling their heads with too much trivial knowledge of my life and day and week. It makes me sad.

I feel like my closest friends are always those that I never see, no matter which group of friends I am with. When I'm home visiting, I feel like my college friends are the people in which I belong with. When I'm here, I feel like it's the people from home. I feel like I have tons on friends, and but no extremely close, attached-to-the-hip, friends forever type of friends.

All this rambling could be the effect of me living alone for the past few weeks, and me just finding myself very lonely without a roommate. But being without a roommate is what I kept saying that I wanted. It's not all that I thought it would be. And still, I have a year of it when this lease is up. It makes coming home from work a sad thing. It makes watching my favorite shows, much less exciting.

Too many aspects of my life are off-kilter right now. I feel like I'm losing touch with my family, friends, and even, excuse the over-dramatic sentiment, myself. I don't even know what I want right now. The only aspect of my life that I am happy with is my job, and that's slowly losing it's greatness as the weeks keep going by without that promise of a raise coming to fruitition. I'm waiting for the fallout that leaves me on my face, wondering where I went wrong and how I'm going to dig myself out of this hole, (that I fear I am already halfway in). I feel like I'm having a quarter-life crisis, where I'm wondering what I have to show, beyond my professional life, for my almost quarter-of-a-century life on this earth. And just fear that I'm going to wake up in the same place in another twenty-five years. I feel like I'm pushing so hard for things that I think I want in the future, I'm forgetting about the here and now.

I need to make some changes in my life. I know that. I need to send people birthday cards and call to see how they are doing. I need to call my brother and talk to him about his life, and school, and girlfriend. I need to try and focus on what makes me happy, which is ultimately, my friends and being with them. I need to tell them that. I need to stop the self-pity party and make things happen in my life. I need to stop throwing myself in my work because it seems like it's the only aspect of my life that I can be successful in. I know all this. Now, I just need to do it. Why is that always the hardest part?