Mean Mr. Mustard!

Okay I've stopped trying to analyze this one but here's an interesting dream I had last night. Slightly traumatic.

Okay, Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien were eating lunch together and I was somehow sitting at a table near them and held some sort of respect in their eyes. (Bare with me here.) I was sort of in charge of keeping people's noses in their own business, telling them to move along if they stopped to talk. Weeeelllll, at some point, Matthew Perry comes and is standing next to me watching Jay and Conan with a smile. I stare up in wonder as this is the first time I've seen Chandler, my second television crush, (the first, JTT). And I grab his sleeve, (this I remember clearly, grabbing his sleeve that is), and he smiles at me, and I say hello. At this point, Jay and Conan disappear, or I abondon my station. It's not clear which. We have a plesant conversation and then next thing dream-me knows, I'm eating lunch at a table with him and his friends. But I'm no longer a fan. I'm one of them.

Okay so we are all talking and laughing and having a good time and I start squeezing in fan questions. All is going well until... dum, dum, dum...dream-me says, "How's Lauren?" (As in Lauren Graham.) He puts his head in his hands and growls. Everyone at the table glares at me and he stands abruptly and starts pacing. He's on a sidewalk going in and out of view and everyone is trying to coax him down. But he's furious. They're all like, "It's okay!", "She didn't mean it!" "Come back and eat your hotdog!"

Meanwhile, in my most, "you're being overdramatic" voice I yell, "Matttttthhhhhhhheeeewwwww!"

He ignores me.

"Matthew Perry I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

In my head, I'm wondering what happened with Lauren. I'm scared to ask.

Another friend approaches the table and asks what happens when a man, who I will refer to as Mean Mr. Mustard, (one of Matthew's friends), points to me and says, "Betsy asked him about Lauren." And then ripples of "Betsy asked him about Lauren" goes through the table, along with scowls of discontent and glares directed towards me. All of the sudden, Mean Mr. Mustard grabs an old-school yellow bottle of mustard and points it at me and starts squirting. It is hitting the side of my face and hair in spurts of embarrassment so my pleas increase, "Matthew!!!! Matthew Perry!!!!!" Dream-me is convinced he's going to come save me from Mean Mr. Mustard.

At this point, mustard is dripping from my chin and I'm pretty sure my yells have turned panicked. The mustard and my pleas for Matthew don't stop coming until I reach consciousness.

Seriously. That was my dream.

LAnniversary!!!!!

I've been here one year as of today!

The Roller Derby Kicks Ass!

When you're feeling low, nothing can bring you up again like the bad-natured, trash talking, throwing each other into walls, Derby Dolls. I went to my first roller-derby last night, and I'm a changed woman. It was awesome! The arena was like a warehouse where you can get beer in cans and scream bloody murder for your chosen team. As the girls hip-bump each other into walls and fall and trip, the crowds "Ohh" and "Ahhh" in excitement and dismay. The whole thing has an awesome atmosphere with lots of smiles and a friendly competition between the opposing fans. There was even a wave and the whole thing is just really exciting. Not to mention, the awesome skating abilites shown by all the skaters, my fav, Mila Minute, who was the star of the show. She whipped around the rink at speeds that would have your mind spinning, racking up points nonstop.

Anyway, the outfits are crazy cool, with fishnet stockings and skirts so short, bloomers were required. The game I saw last night was the "Fight Crew" (flight attendents) vs "The Sirens" (naughty cops). Names for FC included "Crystal Deth", "Judy Gloom", and "Janis Choplin". Sirens included, "Scarlett Yohandsoff", "Paris Killton", and "Amber Alert!". HA! Love it.

Also in the crowd enjoying the organized mayham was Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz! And then there was some Hollywood producer named Roger Assaultrey, who was the star of the show with his quick whip of a whistle.



Well, that was good fun and I have definitley found my monthly Saturday night activity.

Kids Are Funny, (Maybe Bill Cosby Was On To Something)

British babies!!!

Expletive, Expletive, etc

How quick you can go from on top to run under a bus.



There's just no good news or bright side right now. I'm unemployed. Uh, the life of a freelancer is glamorous. No notice, no nothing. Double negative, expletive, etc. Seems the next episode I was going to work on got cancelled. Which leaves a gaping four week hole before my next job. And! That next job is a huge downwards step because, "There were too many people in line before you". That's not what I was told when I signed on for a lower rate last year. I was told I would have a spot on the next show. "You do" they argued. As a night assistant. "It's not you..." they said, and I felt like I was in the midst of a terrible breakup.

And now, while I felt so smart attempting to pay off some credit cards, I'm finding myself with little to no savings. Poor planning all around. Definitley been an explicit 24 hours.

Thus, the new search begins. When can I stop starting from square 1?

Eff.

Calm and Normal, But a Little Punchy

I hate that my ridiculous fan-girl post is top on the page so I thought I'd push it down a little bit!

I've almost lived in LA for a year. I also just ordered the most amazing business cards ever. Here's a sneak peak (without text obv):


Don't even try and say that's not the best business card ever. Cause it is. (Yes, that is me in the glamour shot. That may be my calling card for life. Thank you Mom for taking me to get those done on that sweet September morning in '94.)

I've almost lived in LA for an entire year. Five days away from my anniversary. Will for sure do another one of those "Since I've Lived in LA" things. Also, I'm not feeling creative enough right this instant but I'm definitely going to be writing a "day in the life of"... a very secret object. But bullets are involved. And lottery tickets. And it's a true made-up story using circumstancial evidence. Get it? You will. (Maybe.)

Oh! I got my favorite editing note ever today! Love it!



Story of my life! If I had a nickel... (I loved how I checked it off victoriously. "Done!")

Also, in one of my voiceovers I said "vicarious" instead of "precarious". Somehow it almost made it all the way to air. Luckily, it was caught today. Man, that would have been embarrasing. That note was funny too but too long for me to get a good pic of it. Something about being curious...

Anyway, I'm tired from all the making myself laugh.

"too but too"

Oh My GOOOOOOOOD

Yes, I just saw my favorite celebrity ever! Oh man! I can't even type right now. I was sitting across from her at a resturant. I'm insane right now, sorry. Just thought I'd share! Oh my goodness. I don't even know what to say other than, oh my goodness!! I can't believe that just happened!!! I'm in a state of euphoria. CDBL------CALL ME!

Ousted

I've been ousted! Geez, I'm so not used to having spare time at work, but today has been so slow! So, I've been making phone calls (and even texts), and no one is returning them! I seriously feel like I'm going crazy. It makes me so paranoid, like what did I do?! What did I say?! Maybe everyone has good reasons, but seriously, it's going on 48 hours, which is rarer than rare for me to not speak to my people! This has seriously been a shotty week!!!

I feel like Truman in moments like these. I'm doing what any normal person would do it a situation like mine: "...Mommy?"





Update: My paranoia strikes again. People were busy. Go figure. Add being less paranoid to my list of goals for this year along with going whale watching, taking a pottery class, joining the gym, quitting smoking, Malibu trips every other week, eating heathier.

To Whom It May Concern 2

It's been a while since I've done one of these, but they always end up being my favorite!

Dear Margaret,

Please, oh please, make my life and come weep with me. Moreover, I want you to see LA through my eyes. I wish you could see what I see in it.


Dear Lexus IS350 Owners,

Love your sweet, sweet car.


Dear Larry the Cable Guy,

I don't think your funny! I tried! I really did!


Dear Exec,

Be gentle!!!


Dear James Denton,

I recognized you, and sorry I didn't smile. My mind was going in a million different directions and I was outside before I comprehended that was you. (I'm sure you were losing sleep over this, so please, rest easy now.) You're a handsome, handsome, handsome man.


Dear Spark Readers,

I am not in a happy ending type of mood these days. These somber days will soon pass and I'll return to the chapter! FINAL chapter that is. Sorry for the long wait but hopefully it will be worth it.


Dear Brother,

I realize I was overly critical this weekend and perhaps hurt your feelings. I've been in a mood lately. Sorry for being a bitch.


Dear "You Go Girl" Girls,

What's your secret?


Dear Conan,

Why, oh why, are you in reruns so much lately???


Dear Christina Ricci,

Did you kinda call Jay Leno a degenerate? I found that moment pretty awkward. Was it, or am I misreading it?


Dear Buffalo Sauce,

Yum-O! You rock and even better with ranch.

I Now Pronouce You Mrs. Coffee

This union has been coming for a while now. I finally found a coffee maker that I love waking up to in the morning.

I had just gotten a new coffee maker in November after being forced to abandon my old one when I left NY. (Along with my vacuum, a wonderful painting, both of my TVs, a card table, my infamous recliner, and loads and loads of other things. I could only take what would fit in my car.) Once in LA, I used my roommates until November and then, when I moved to my new place, I bought a new one.

This coffee maker was one that I thought would last forever. It was Black and Decker and matched my kitchen and was stainless steel. Well looks can be decieving. It didn't keep my coffee warm, which was my biggest complaint, where literally, immediately after making the coffee it would turn off and start cooling. It had bragged on its box that coffee stayed warm for two hours. NOt so. After fifteen minutes, unable to reheat the coffee pot or even turn it on, I'd have to microwave my coffee. Disgrace!

I finally had enough and kicked it to the curb. And then I found my true love.

Mr. Coffee has a glass carafe and with that, has a delicious non-metallic taste. It's beautiful and most importantly, keeps my coffee hot for two hours. The coffee maker even has a clock in which it tells me how long my coffee has been sitting there, and sure enough, the coffee maker stays on until that two hour time is up. And it's a delightful temperature.




I couldn't be happier with him. My coffee is perfect. Someway, somehow, if I don't do the coffee to water ratio correctly, it knows and corrects it for a perfect cup everytime. It also has a water filter for the water! If you're in the market for a coffee maker, do yourself a favor and look this little guy up.

It was truly, love at first sip.

You Better Google Me, Baby

New favorite song.



I mean seriously, you can Google me!

Also, out of all of the Google searches that have resulted in someone coming to my page, the winner for the most returns is "avocado coffee". No joke.

"You can find me in Webster under the word star." This song makes me want to go out to a dance club, and if you know me, that's huge!