To Whom It May Concern 1

Dear Hopper,

I know you are sad because it seems I've been yelling a lot today, but it's called discipline. This is something I'm afraid you've had far too little of in your life. Whenever you're ready to come out from under the bed, I'll be here.


Dear Cesar Millan,

I hope the rumors I heard about you weren't true. Anyway, I read some of your book today.


Dear Downstairs Neighbors,

I promise I'm not an abusive pet owner. Sorry I yelled earlier. But you're using my internet, remember?


Dear Jack Bauer's Father,

I hate you and hope you die soon.


Dear Steve,

If you're reading this then I commend your memory.


Dear Ice,

Feel free to melt any day now. I'm tired of slipping everywhere I go. And stop getting in my shoe.


Dear Touchy-Feely Friend,

I love you and value our friendship, but can you maybe touch me a little less please? I like affection as much as the next person, but you cross too many lines. I'm never going to sleep with you. Thanks.


Dear Boy on the Subway,

It's not me that stinks. It's the old woman standing next to me. I swear.


Dear Couple on the Subway,

You guys are really cute. The way that you make-out so openly and freely for nearly 15 minutes is very touching. You must like each other very much. As you caress each others arses, we all wish for a love as honest and true as yours. Me and the other passengers are honored that you wish to share such an intimate moment with us.


Dear Drew,

You have the one video that could, (A) keep me from ever running for office, or (B) cause a major shift in my image if, for some unforeseen reason, I become a celebrity. Please don't put it on YouTube or let it get in the wrong hands.


Dear Inquiring Minds,

The aforementioned video is NOT a sex tape.


Dear Friend,

I saw a different side of you yesterday. It was odd. Maybe the things people say about you are true.


Dear Landlord,

I need more than 30 minutes notice when you're going to be showing the apartment. It's in everyone's best interest as I'm packing up my things and somehow making more of a mess than I ever thought possible.


Dear Hopper,

I'm glad you've decided to forgive me. I love cuddling with you in this recliner. It makes me not want to sell it.


Dear Tina Fey,

Mean Girls is brilliant. I'm glad this is how I'm spending my Sunday night.


Dear Christie,

Thanks for being my loyal cheerleader. I love you! I hope we talk soon. I love our 3 hour conversations.


Dear Reynolds,

Don't change your mind!


Dear The King of Queens,

You've become my new guilty pleasure.


Dear David Rosenthal,

Last week's episode was great. For this season. It took far, far, far too long, but I'm glad you decided to stop the suffering of Gilmore fans everywhere.


Dear Ben and Jerry,

Thank you.


Dear People Who Are Going To Make The Subway Free,

You're two years too late!


Dear Self,

Stop walking through Times Square looking at your feet. Look around! People are here on vacation and you're too busy worrying to enjoy the small amount of time you have left here. Fight the anxious genes your mother passed down to you. Enjoy the time you have left in this city!