With A Side of Sanity Please--

For the past few years I've routinely been getting these panic attack things. I first started getting them in movie theaters. In my college life, I spent many a day in a theater and especially during the previews, when things were quiet but my mind wasn't completely enthralled yet, they would strike. The room would start to close in and my throat would feel like it was closing up. I'd adjust myself uncomfortably in my chair and reach for water, (for the sensation of liquid travelling down my not-closed throat). I never would tell whoever I was with, but sometimes I'd stop myself from grabbing their hand and pleading, "Call an ambulance. I'm dying."

"It's in my mind," I'd repeat to myself, sometimes laughing just to make a sound. Trying not to let anyone around me hear the gulps of air I was snatching up, probably getting myself so high on oxygen, working only to increase my levels of anxiety. I couldn't sit in a theater, completely still and silent, and not have an attack. And I never thought, or considered, why this was happening until I started riding the subway.

On the subway, usually when the train was traveling under water, but always when I was alone and silent and still, I'd have attacks. It was quiet and still and I needed to do something, but knew that I couldn't. Same as the theater. Knowing that if I freaked out right there, it would cause quite a scene. And I'm not sure when I started feeling this way, but I hate making scenes. I think my body hated the fact that I couldn't scream at the top of my lungs and revolted against me in the form of rapid heartbeat, not being able to catch my breath, tightness in the throat, shaky legs, sweat. Several times, I fought to stand upright, always grabbing the nearest pole and nearly hanging from it as my legs refused to hold me up. I've almost reenacted the scene from Friends where Joey motions at the old lady to get up out of her wheelchair so he can sit down, several times.

My attacks have come in other situations as well. The common thread always being the same things: Me not being able to speak. Me not being able to move around or yell or bounce off walls. And this is why I think my sanity is hanging on by a thread. Does my body want me to speak or yell or whatever so badly that when it feels like it can not, it decides to shut down? Me having to stand still, being forced to be quiet, is the kryptonite that kills my sanity. I wonder what would happen if I allowed myself to do whatever my body wanted in these situations? Do I have a case of turrets that I'm fighting so hard to conceal, my body freaks?

This is just one more reason why pretty soon these entries are going to start with: "So my therapist says...."

And speaking of sanity, tonight is my first night as one of those people who only comes out when the sun goes down. Yep, I started a night gig. So far, I likey. I mean, I'm writing a blog entry! Woo. Tonight is apparently a slow night, so I guess I won't judge quite yet. The person I'm working with, (awkward!), is the person I might be replacing. Yikes. And it's a secret, as in, he doesn't know that. And it kills me when he talks about how much he likes his job, his hopes and dreams, his contentedness with his life. I was telling someone about the situation, my dad I think, and he thought this would happen. That I would form an attachment(?) to the person and end up feeling guilty about this whole situation! I mean, I wish they wouldn't have told me! I wish it just would have been, boom! You're here, he's not. Oops. But no. I'm a knowing participant. And yikes does that suck.

What sucks even more? He's kind of creepy. He's not, being that he seems really nice and great and helpful, but he has the potential to be that type of person. You know. That type. The type that has a button when pressed he freaks out and burns stuff down. That scares me. Maybe I'm completely misjudging here, but just because this is what I do, I'm going to be paranoid about it for a couple of months if I do, in fact, end up replacing him. Like, someone walk me to my car please! (I'm taking applications, cute boy from floor above mine.)

Speaking of boys, I just want to say, for the record, I don't like being catty. In fact, I try to avoid it at all costs. But today, there was a goat comment that nearly slipped through my lips. (I held it in thank goodness. I'm a lady afterall.) But as a wise person once said, "Squatters make other squatters, squat." Enough said.

Hello room temperature coffee. I'm great, (thanks for asking). How are you??? Oh, delicious?! That's weird.

I'm slipping inside the eye of my mind, Oasis!!