Disappointment (You Darn Spoiled Brat)-Take 2

I'm through all the stages of grief. You witnessed anger in Lost. A walk around the block took care of the rest. Now I'm at acceptance. Begrudged acceptance.

Someone in the blogosphere did not like what I wrote in my other blog. They refused to post it. In fact, they went to such great lengths to ensure my epic post would never be read, they disconnected my internet at the exact moment I was trying to post. Now I wonder if I should rewrite at all. Of course I will, or attempt to recreate my well-crafted post, but it hurts. I'm at a loss when I get the window that says so nonchalantly, "We're sorry, but we were unable to complete your request."

Oh yeah? Excuse me while I jump out of the window. Pressing "Back" did nothing as well, and didn't there used to be a "Recover" button somewhere? Well not anymore, you fine folks. Not anymore.

What do professionals do in such a humbling moment? Cry? Is it okay to cry and weep? Because I want to cry and weep. Is nausea normal?

Where did I begin before? Oh yeah, disappointment. Ironic, eh?

Disappointment. Well, I didn't get that job I had so badly wanted. Who cares if I thought I had nailed the interview. Obviously, they didn't. This was the event that threw off my day yesterday. And it was supposed to be the best day ever.

"You never get a job after your first interview, Betsy."

"There will be other jobs, Betsy."

"It'll work out for the better, we just can't see it yet, Betsy."

I am lucky enough to have beautiful people in my life that can see the positive when I only see the negative. Everyone needs those people. I usually am one of those people. But not when it's my phone that doesn't ring.

My phone not ringing takes me back to a short thing that I wrote years ago. "I Know Why My Phone Doesn't Ring". It takes me back to my youthful woe-is-me phase.

I know it seems silly that I'm so upset about not getting this job. And I know that I said I wasn't expecting to get it. But I am and I was. I thought I had done it. Surpassed the whole starting from scratch thing that people have been telling me I'm probably going to have to do. And this only heightens the anger I have towards myself at screwing up that other perfectly good opportunity and greatens the embarrassement I feel, when I said that maybe screwing up the other job, that that was for the better after-all.

A learning experience I suppose. You can feel like you got the job, but it doesn't mean you did. I can't help but analyze my resume and every word spoken in the interview, finding my flaws that the not-so-potential employer did.

So my evening was disappointing. And why am I a self-proclaimed brat you ask? Because I let that ruin a great opportunity I had. Well sort-of.

****PLEASE DO NOT COPY AND PASTE ELSEWHERE****

I got to go to the WB Lot to visit a friend that is currently working on a show there. Sure it would be great to see her at work, but it was no secret that I had Gilmore on the brain.

I got on the lot, no problem. They had my name and gave me a little visitor pass that I immediately stuck in my pocket for safe-keeping. I got to set and she gave me a tour. They had just broken for lunch and she was going to give me a quick little tour before she had to go back. She had on all her equipment, so it was pretty clear she was working. Hence, we had no problems exploring otherwise not-so-visitor-friendly places. She first took me to the old Friends stage, which, since being torn down, offered little to no nostalgia. It was very cool though. Then we went to the stages of Gilmore. Only a few art department people were around and my friend entered without a second thought. I was glad she was assertive, as I kept wondering, "Are we supposed to be here?"

We looked around, seeing the Gilmore Mansion and Rory's apartment, filled with boxes labeled with stuff like "Clothes", "Books", and "Kitchen". My friend walked me towards where someone was working and I noticed he was painting a "Bon Voyage Rory" sign.

Anyway, we walked around some more and finally made our way to the back-lot. Again, my friend surprised me with her audacity, as people were everywhere setting stuff up for what seemed to be something taking place around, or maybe in, Luke's. It was here we saw Alexis Bledel. She ate her lunch alone, at a table by Luke's and seemed a little unhappy. I'm sure this was nothing more than just being tired at work, (as we've all experienced), and still having a long night in front of her. Other than a glance in her direction, we left her alone.

It was time for my friend to get back to set so she could practice the Steadicam. This is where, if anyone was on the tour yesterday, (Thursday, April 5), you may have seen me! Woo! A couple of tours stopped by us and my friend, who was wearing the Steadicam, demonstrated a little bit. Hello to anyone who might have stopped!

After she was called back in, I was left to my own devices. I watched them shoot a little bit, but then made my way back to the back lot. They had finished shooting at Luke's and were moving to what seemed to be either the Gilmore house or Sookie's house. There were lots of black tarps, as it wasn't dark yet, so I couldn't make out exactly what they were doing.

While on my bench, Lauren passed by on her bike, twice! I was trying be nonchalant, like I wasn't jumping up and down to catch a glimpse of her. I was text messaging, or pretending to, and looked up at her, smiling at her for a second pretending like I hadn't known it was her all along. Well, she looked a little uphappy as well. Same syndrome as Bledel probably. Her's also seemed to be a defense mechanism, as to ward off anyone from talking to her. It worked in my case. I got to see her again, so that was cool, but in my head, she was supposed to stop and talk to me, inviting me to come watch them shoot. Yeah, I know I'm demented. Honestly, I really just wanted her to smile or something. Because I had fantasized about my time on the lot so much, it was easy to be disappointed. But geez, all I got was a glare. (And yikes was it a glare! Daggers people. Daggers.) Yipee.

I was trying my best to stay out of the way, but I couldn't help but feel like everyone was looking at me, wondering who I was and what the hell I was doing invading their set. It made me feel pretty uncomfortable, but I held my ground, just hoping to be able to stick around long enough for the shot that they were setting up for next. There was going to be something happening in the town square. Lots of Christmas lights, thousands, and lights on the tops of all the buildings shining downwards. If I could just hold out a little longer!

By this time, it was clear I hadn't gotten aforementioned job, as I had been waiting for the phone call all evening. I was down about that, my head had holes from the daggers (as did my heart), and I couldn't help but be disappointed that in my other searchings of the lot, I hadn't run into Matthew Perry, thereby not being able to put my "asking for a light" plan into action.

"You wouldn't happen to have a light would you?"

"Sure do."

(He lights my cigarette.)

"Thanks. I'm Betsy."

"Hi Betsy. I'm Matt. You work here?"

"No, I'm just waiting for a friend to get off of work."

"Oh cool. Have you been having a nice time?"

"Yeah. I was watching them film Gilmore earlier, but felt I was in the way so I left."

"Oh I'm sure you weren't. Everyone's so busy and we're used to having visitors here. Are you a fan of the show?"

"Yeah, Gilmore is definitely one of my favorites."

(Here, he would proceed to tell me a funny story about him and Lauren, in which I would laugh and my little fan heart would explode.)

"So is Studio 60 coming back?"

"Yeah, for now. We'll see if it's got a second season in it."

"Well, I for one love the show and think it has a great future."

"Tell that to the damn studios." (In my head, the conversation would be a success if he curses at least once. I think celebrities cursing around you often mean they trust you. Or so I've come to believe.)

Etc, etc, etc.

Yeah, so that didn't happen. (Expectations people. They'll kill you.) And I was starving and self-conscious as a light was turned on that made my otherwise well-hidden bench, a direction of focus. I walked around a little more, seeing a few ER doctors and such, and passing by Lauren's "Star Waggon" in a random strike of luck. Not that I saw anyone there, but I recognized her bike. In my journeys, I went back to my friend's set, dropping off my bag, as to look like less of a visitor. Of course, I walked back to the back lot, still anticipating the scene in which I figured they'd be shooting next.

An hour or two went by, and I was feeling pretty bad at this point, seeing as the closest I had come to seeing them shoot was hearing them say, "Cut" and "Action", I hadn't gotten my job and would therefore have to ask my parents for some help, was hungry and tired, and had stood up one of my friends who had needed help with a casting session. I decided to cut my losses and leave.

Sure, had I stayed I would have seen more, but the way this day was going, I wouldn't have been able to see much. My head would have gotten in the light, casting a shadow over the entire square, during the print take, and the actors would all glare at me as they would have to redo their performance of a lifetime. That or, I probably would have been shooed away or caused a ruckus by passing out from hunger during a shot.

Luck apparently isn't always on my side, or it was time for it to run out at least. As I say this, I am reminded of the "brat" part of the title. I got to visit the set, which is awesome. I had free reign and saw both of the Gilmore girls. I know that the job thing is, and was, putting a damper on my spirits, but I can't help but be a little disappointed.

I felt bad when I said bye to my friend who have given me such a great opportunity. I was down and she noticed. I assured her it was the job thing, which rewarded me with a nice pep talk that I so desperately wanted to believe.

"One door closes...."

But it was a great time and opportunity, and I can't help but be so mad at myself for letting the job thing get to me so much! I should be estactic right now! Gilmore! Favorite show! Woo!

Go ahead...tell me how stupid I am. I know it's true. But expectations suck and I'm slowly learning to have less of them.

I hate going out on a bad note.

Woo! Gilmore!!